better FAM
ILY
M ake peace w ith the
eye-ro ll, a tw een g irl’s
rite o f passage that can
feel oh so w rong.
b y R A C H E L S IM P S O N
Lucky me. Just in time for Mother’s Day, my
11
-year-old daughter has mastered a new skill:
the eye-roll. I suspect this “gift” will be one that
keeps on giving.
When she wonders what’s for dinner and I
innocently answer “hamburgers,” she rolls her
eyes. I ask her to put her laundry away and this
time I get a sigh to go with the eye-roll. No
matter how vividly I can recall doing this to my
own mother, my feelings are still hurt. (And my
own mom just shakes her head and valiantly
refrains from telling me “I told you so.”)
It’s incredibly important
not to take itpersonally.
PSYCHOLOGIST AND AUTHOR W ENDY MOGEL
The classic adolescent eye-roll, says Wendy
Mogel, a psychologist and author of
T h e B le s s in g
o f a S k in n e d K n e e ,
is one of the ways that a
child can show you she has complete disdain for
what you’ve just said, how you run your home,
who you are—the complete adult-ness of you.
And no matter how prepared for it you think
you are, or how many of your friends are
experiencing the same thing, it’s always a
tough pill to swallow, she adds.
“It’s incredibly important not to take it
personally,” she says. “Nearly all mothers of girls
go through this.”
These ocular expressions of contempt usually
begin at about age
11
and occur more frequently
with girls than hoys, says Catherine Steiner-
Adair, a Harvard psychologist specializing in
girls’ issues. Anything can set them off. And
while it’s some comfort to know that it’s not
you, it’s her, there are some strategies for
dealing with this stop on the adolescent express.
Don’t react in the moment, Steiner-Adair
advises, especially if the eye-rolling happens in
front of her peers. Wait until later, and then say,
“You seemed mad. Is there something I should
know?” Sometimes that’s all that’s needed to
open the door to a conversation the child wants
to have but doesn’t know how to start Another
tip: Make sure you aren’t answering too fast She
may feel as if you’ve made up your mind before
she even finished.
Knowing how to handle the eye-roll is
one thing, but what about the hurt it causes?
There’s only so much you can do, Steiner-
Adair cautions. “If it’s really starting to hurt
you a lot, call another mom, commiserate, and
get some support.”
2 3 0
MAY 2010
BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS
PHOTO: GETTY IMAGES
